Surely God has been good to me, He is still good to me, and He will always be good to me. I know that people look at my outer appearance but God looks at my heart. Surely He is good to those with a pure heart right? He truly knows my heart and I thought I had a good heart, so why did I nearly miss seeing his goodness in the midst of chaos? Because I was too busy looking the other way. I envied the people who made it. I resented the people who had no worries. I coveted all that were merry. I had green eyes for all who lived a good life, unlike mine, so I looked away.

I kept looking away. I completely lost sight of my focus. I allowed the chaos to tear me apart. So then I tried to understand why the detestable prospered? Why do I experience so much injustice, pain, and disappointment?  Why do you let me hurt and all of them get away scot free? Why do I have to deal with the residue of every mistake that I have ever made? Why do you allow me to burn in agony? Why did you allow me to cry myself to sleep often for 3 years? When does this end? Your tormentous ways…do they ever cease?

Your only response to all of these questions is persevere? Consider it pure joy when I am literally being hit on all sides? And endure all of it with no premature escape? What’s the point? I am better off throwing in the towel and looking away.

I spent most of 2015 secretly angry with the Lord. I could barely muster up the strength to actually recognize him for who he was because I was so angry at Him from January to December. At least a year long ought with God. My life was in shambles and I felt like I was watching it slowly crumble away right before my eyes. It felt so out of reach. How could my Father let this happen?

I tried to understand it all but couldn’t because His ways are higher and and His thoughts are so much deeper than my mental capacity. My limited mind cannot dare understand the unlimited ways of God.

But it wasn’t until I went to the sanctuary that I gained understanding.

It was there in the sanctuary where I realized how bitter my heart was towards God. I was all torn up inside. The wormwood and the gall agonized my heart and mind and ate at the deepest part of my soul. At that very moment, I knew that this chaos could not overtake me anymore. I cried out to the Lord and asked him to just remember me.

At that very moment, I heard Him. He said “Take heart, it is I. I have overcome the world. And beloved, of all of this, I will overcome you too.”

It was because of the Lord’s mercy and goodness that I was not consumed. His compassion never failed me. They are new to me every morning, even in my mourning. Great is your faithfulness to me, great has your faithfulness been to me, and great will your faithfulness always be to me.

Surely God has been good to me. He is still good to me. And He will always be good to me.

Here is the “sanctuary” that I made in the spare bedroom of my old apartment. It wasn’t fancy like I wanted it to be because at the time all I had was $95 in my account. I made the best out of what I had. My Bible, a pillow, a heated blanket, index cards, sharpies, a notebook/journal, sticky notes, Jesus Calling devotional, my radio and my vision board. Although, it wasn’t the prettiest, I gave God the very best that I had.

This is the place where I spent my early mornings and late evenings all of 2016. It’s the place where I let all my tears of hurt, pain, guilt, and shame fall. It’s the place where I finally looked to the hills instead of looking away. I heard the Lord’s voice again. I began to dream again. I felt life in my body again. In that very place,The Lord cleaned me up and made me whole again. Here I am 9 or 10 months later thanking God for that season because it made me the woman that I am today.

“By your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat, the resurrected King, is resurrecting me.” #SingMyLife Resurrecting by Elevation Worship

Scriptural reference: Psalm 73; Lamentations 3

In order to keep me humble with knowledge of what God is doing for me, I was given the gift of a barrier, the very thing that holds me back, the thorn in my flesh. It was given to me years back to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.

Satan did his best to get me down but what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty and forgetting thankfulness for the blessings of God!

At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and I cried and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad that I let it happen. I quit focusing on the impediment and began appreciating the gift. It was a constant reminder of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.

Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

The thing that I used to look at as a thorn in my flesh is one of the very things that keeps me so close to God. No rose is complete without the thorn “Don’t beat yourself up about it. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was a God thing.”

2 Corinthians 12:79 (Tanisha Lashelle’s Version)